So when I open Facebook and it says in the text box what is on my mind I have never really used Facebook to really say what is on my mind except to share recipes, pictures, events and so forth. But there is something on my mind tonight and I want to share it.
I have been married to my husband for 15 and a half years and I have never felt stronger to express how much I love and appreciate my husband. Usually birthdays, anniversaries, special days like mothers or fathers day are days that many will express their love for someone. Well there is no event but I have a very strong desire to express to my husband how I feel about him and I want everyone to know. I want to shout it from the top of a mountain but I will settle for Facebook.
When Ken and I married 15 years ago I was so happy, I finally was a wife and I would start a family, it was like a dream that finally came true. But in reality life doesn’t work that way. Marriage is not easy. But many newlyweds will say that their first year was the best year so when Ken and I began to find ourselves having a really rough time adapting to marriage and each other I thought that I had made a mistake. But then I remembered something a dear older sister said to me one day. She said that her first four years of marriage were the worst and she regretted marrying her husband but then it all changed and her marriage began to get better and better every year. So when our first year was really tough and regrets were in our hearts I had this small light of hope. I will say that it probably took about 4-5 years but instead of starting out with the best year and finding that marriage got harder the longer we were married it was the opposite. It seemed every year got a little easier. We had many days of silence where we would not talk to each other because we were both to stubborn to be the first to break the silence. I felt miserable and I think Ken did too. What was really funny though is that when we were not arguing we were so happy and we really did love each other so much. We just didn’t know how to communicate, our cultural difference was so great. I used to say that we would be arguing but in reality we were saying the same thing but in different languages. We didn’t understand one another.
As the years went by I started noticing that our arguments and silent treatments were becoming less and less. I remember realizing at one point that the only person that i could change was myself and as i made changes something wonderful happened, Ken started changing too. He saw the changes I was making and loved me more. I noticed that his desire was to give me whatever I wanted, he really loved me in a way that I had never known. The commercial idea that is sent to men and women is this idea of some fantasy of love that does not exist. Love is something that takes time and it happens as each partner makes the changes needed to make the marriage work.
I can not pin point a specific moment or day when I noticed the biggest change or when I realized what real love was and that I had it. This does not mean that once I have it I can not lose it. Love takes work and sacrifice and the greater sacrifice the greater the love. Love is not something that is stagnant. It grows literally every day. Or it can stop growing, it is something that has to either move one way or another. It does not just stay the same. I can’t wait to love him even more. I don’t want to ever lose him and this means that we both have to work very hard to keep our love growing.
I never realized what being loved really meant. But when I look in my husbands eyes and I can see his love for me. He protects me, he makes me a better person, he does everything he can to make me feel his love. He is my bestest and closest friend. He makes me feel beautiful and young. He makes me laugh, and he makes me feel safe. I know that when I need him he always there. He tells me he loves me in so many ways, without words. Its not when he buys me flowers or any other gifts. Its the way he pushes me to be my best, when he tells me that I am wrong, when he tells me to fight harder, when he gives me honest and constructive criticism, its when he holds me as I cry that I am fat, or ugly, or old. Its when he tells me that everything will be alright and when it won’t be alright he tells me that he is by my side and will fight with me, that he will feel the pain with me. When he doesn’t really understand but tries anyway. Even when he falls asleep and I am pouring out my heart to him because he says that there is nothing more relaxing than the sound of my voice in his ears.
He is not perfect, he doesn’t always have the right words, and doesn’t hesitate to state his mind. He can drive me crazy when he thinks he is right, which many times he is, and is quick to say, “I told you so”. He has his own style of communication and bluntly states what may be right or wrong. He is very much a “by the book” kind of guy. But with all that being said, I get to see a side of him that no one else sees. I see his soft heart, his loyalty to family even when they don’t know it. I lay down every night, next to the man that Jehovah gave to me, the greatest gift he has ever given me. If I ever were in a position that I was single I know that there is no man out there that could ever be as good for me as he is and I will never love anyone the way that I love him.
I feel compelled to write this because I just want him and everyone else to know how much I love him. There are people that do not really know my husband, they may think he is not right for me, they may not know that the love that we share between one another is a love that does not age. He still sees me as his beautiful wife, not just a mom, or a wife, but as his partner for life. He is a “tough love” kind of guy and many may like him or hate him but I see what Jehovah sees, I see what makes him the best husband for me, and I see what makes him a great father and a great man.
Our marriage took a different path in the last two years, my health has taken many things from both of us, we don’t get to have the man and wife kind of moments like we used too. We have both had to make great sacrifices that have not been easy but instead of this creating a wedge between us, it has made us closer. We make every moment count. When we made the vows to love in sickness and health, we never knew how truthful those vows would be. He has loved me at my worst, he still sees me as his beautiful wife even though I may be unable to be the wife he deserves. He loves me, and I just can not imagine my life without him. He is a gift, a gift that I hope to have for an eternity. I don’t want the “until death” part, I want him forever. There isn’t anything about him that I would change.
So to all those out there that will read this tonight, or tomorrow, or the next, my family and my friends, my mom and my dad, I want you to know that I am happy, I am loved, and I am treasured in a way that no one will ever be able to love me.
I may be sick and my life and future has changed but one thing that has not changed is that my husband loves me and I am happy. I am truly, truly happy. I pray to Jehovah everyday that I will continue to treasure my husband and that he will continue to love me forever. We have been through many things but I wouldn’t change anything. Even the beginning with all the tears and struggles, I somehow managed to find the love of my life. I am happy.